Guess what, coming soon: TALKING EMAILS! Or, as we say in the advertising industry, new and improved telephone calls.

In Russia, if a male athlete loses, he just becomes a female athlete.

My life would have turned out considerably different if mom wrote my report card.

Dear Reverend Babbage, if you continue preaching sermons in double speak, I will have to think twice about giving them a second thought.

The lodge meeting’s been cancelled. The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn’t let him out.

Much of what we call progress today is a clever scientist with time on his hands, married to a clever advertising agent, whose father was Bill Gate’s roomie in college.

Son, it’s the only car we have. I’m sure you’ll acquire a tolerance for the bumper sticker eventually.

Nowhere is labor and management more obvious than in marriage --- once the parties have made a conquest of their preferences.

[][][][] Talk about time on their hands. Folks sit and watch a box for an hour or more showing people cooking food -- that they can’t smell, eat, or taste. So… Here it is, television audience: but you can’t have any and we’re out of here.
[][][][] Don’t the majority of Americans belong to a minority group?
[][][][] If you want to understand the elusive conclusions of the experts on the economy, remember that “economy” means large size in soap flakes and small size in automobiles.
[][][][] I had an inferiority complex until I was reminded that I was a population explosion when I was born.
[][][][] My slice sometimes is wild. The golf course is tagging my ball to determine its migration routes.
[][][][] Swimming isn’t a sport, it’s a means of keeping from drowning. Riding a bus isn’t a sport, so why should sailing be a sport? And tennis is just playing ping pong while standing on the table.
[][][][] The cell phone people say there is no danger from cell phone radiation. Do I get a slight hint of ex-tobacco executives working at the cell phone companies?

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed.

I can hop but I how do you hippity?

Sign at Motel Entrance: Please leave your values at the front desk.

There is a new terrorist virus making its rounds -- it’s harmless but it makes everyone mad just thinking about it.

A fully automated bank in my town received a hold-up note and immediately mailed the crook $200,000 in unmarked bills.

Welcome to tech support. If your computer becomes obsolete while you are holding, press 1 for our sales department.

I think I’m addicted to my computer.
How so?
I keep writing “com” after every period.

Best not to pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.

I was out on the links today and I just barely missed a hole in one.
How close?
8 strokes.

[][][][] Self-sacrifice is always my byword. When I hear it, I know a pay cut is coming.

[][][][] Boss, I need to leave early today.
OK, I guess. How come?
So I can go home.
(aside) Why did I bother to ask?

[][][][] OK, Honey, where do you want to go for your anniversary?
Chinese.
Fine, lets go.
The plane leaves in one hour.

[][][][] We have many phobias today. As for myself, I have a fear of phobias.

[][][][] Now, what color checkbook do you want?
Red, it’ll go nicely with my bank balance. 

[][][][] Ben Franklin: To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals.
Heckler: And not flying thy kite in thunderstorms might help too. 

[][][][] Self-sacrifice is always my byword. When I hear it, I know a pay cut is coming.

[][][][] I had a flooded basement but the insurance company said they didn’t cover “Acts of God.” Boy are they ever pious. 

Thinkin’ and Blinkin’
[] When inmates fight, do they call each other dirty numbers?
[] I once dreamed about the salary that I’m starving on now.
[] My boss gave me a job to tackle -- my own.
[] We have the highest standard of living in the world -- Now if we could only afford it.

You're Not a Kid Anymore When…..
[] The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.
[] You’re proud of your lawnmower.
[] People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?
[] Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.
[] Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
[] You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.